In this blog post, I am sharing my personal story and giving honest advice on how to make long distance relationships work. This site contains affiliate links, for all the details view the disclosure here.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I see so many women doing exactly this when it comes to dating.

I live in Toronto, and while it is a melting pot with lots of good-looking men, I’ll be honest: I found a lot of men in a certain age group want women to court them. They’re jaded. Want to stay on the dating apps. They’re “not ready” for a relationship. They aren’t showing up the way the women in this city need, and they are forever “working on themselves.”

If you are like me, you are looking for someone who actually wants to be in a relationship. You want someone who is consistent, communicates, makes time for you, and wants to build a life with you.

If you are dating in a city filled with men who do not want to be husbands, I’m just going to tell you: Stop wasting your time.

Stop investing in the geography of your city over the quality of the man.

How I Met My Husband

If you had asked me three years ago, I would have told you that I would never be in a long-distance relationship. I definitely wasn’t feeling the local “entanglements” and situationships. Dating was not a priority; all I cared about was growing my business, securing my future, and exploring the world.

I went on a 13-night solo cruise on the Holland America Rotterdam. One of the port stops was Bridgetown, Barbados. As per usual, I had no plans. At breakfast in the main dining room, I asked the maître d’ for recommendations on beaches to check out. She suggested The Boatyard, and an hour later, I hopped in a cab with a couple of strangers and headed to the beach.

I don’t know what was in the air that day, but for some reason, I ended up meeting quite a few people. Everyone seemed to be approaching me—locals, other passengers, and this tall, 6’5, good-looking man with an accent and dreadlocks…

And that is how I met the man who is now my future husband.

I’ll definitely share more deets at another time, but all I can say is thank goodness I was traveling solo on that ship, and was open to chatting with new people.

So here’s the thing: he’s not the type of man I would normally go for. Plus, he’s not from Toronto. But while this relationship took me by surprise—and I’m so glad that it did—I didn’t let what I thought I wanted, or geography, dictate my love life.

Ironically, I know at least five women in the last two years alone who have gotten engaged or married to men who do not live in the same country as them. My guess is we all got the same memo: Stop fishing in a puddle and start looking for new fish in the ocean.

But listen, I am not going to sugarcoat it. Long-distance relationships are not for the faint of heart.

While expanding your search radius was the best decision I ever made, maintaining a relationship across time zones requires a different level of commitment. Here is the reality of how we made it work.

1. FaceTime is the Real MVP

I honestly don’t know if this relationship would be what it is without FaceTime and WhatsApp Video.

Being able to look into each other’s eyes through a screen allowed us to build a connection as though we were right beside each other, even though we were miles apart. I don’t know that a long-distance relationship would have worked for me prior to this technology, but it gave us the opportunity to truly see each other.

Once we decided that we both wanted to be in this relationship, we simulated real life. We watched movies together, ate dinner together, and eventually introduced our families virtually.

This built incredible emotional intimacy. We really got to know each other through our stories. The funny thing is, he is not even a phone person. But this man would be chatting my ear off, sharing all kinds of stories from his childhood and keeping me up way past my bedtime.

I love that we have this connection because not only are we lovers, but we are best friends. We tell each other everything. That is exactly what I was looking for in a partner, and I’m so happy I didn’t ignore this connection. Taking the time to explore each other in this way has only made our relationship better.

2. Love is Free, Flights are Not

Let’s talk about the money, honey. To be in a sustainable long-distance relationship, you need the financial means to travel. Whether that’s gas money for the road trips or airfare for the weekends, you have to be able to physically see each other.

If you are struggling to pay rent, adding a monthly flight into the budget is going to stress you out, not bring you closer. Of course, if he can fly you out – that’s nice. But girl, make sure you have money for a hotel and means to get yourself home just in case things go south.

You also need the flexibility of time. If you are in a work from anywhere situation like me, travelling to visit your boo is easy work. If you or he can’t get the time off work, you may be stuck in a “pen pal” situation, longing for a man you can’t see and nobody wants or has time for that.

3. The Fear of the “Double Life”

Let’s be honest, the fear of cheating is very real. Between having a friend who has been through it or watching horrific TikTok storytimes, I understand the need to pause.

People often ask me, “Aren’t you afraid he has a whole other girlfriend or wife where he lives?”

My answer is: Is that fear because of long distance, or is that just how you feel about relationships in general?

The reality is there are people who live ten minutes away from each other who are living double lives. I can’t control what another person does. I date with honest intentions, and I look for a partner who consistently shows up, communicates well, and is easily accessible. My mind does not automatically go to the worst-case scenario.

That said, we are all adults here. People have needs. If the person you are dating cannot hold themselves back when you aren’t in the same zip code, do not do this.

If you are the type of person who needs to track his location to feel secure, a long-distance relationship is not for you. You need a level of trust that allows you to sleep at night without crashing out.

We are all adults here. People have needs.

If you are going to do this, you have to have the uncomfortable conversation about sex. If the person you are dating cannot hold themselves back period, do not do this.

This is where the “Not For The Weak” part kicks in. You need a lot of trust, a lot of faith, and a lot of patience. A little spicy FaceTime can help.

• If you are the type of person who needs to track his location on FindMy? Don’t do it.
• If you crash out every time he doesn’t text back in 5 minutes? Don’t do it.

Long distance requires a level of security where you can live your separate lives without constantly suspecting the worst.

4. The Exit Strategy

I’m going to assume if you’ve reached this far, it’s not because you are looking to casually date someone from out of state. You are reading this because you think this person is special enough to be a life partner or someone you want to marry.

If that is the case, this is the antidote to the fear of “wasting your pretty years.” You have to deal with this early on in the relationship.

Who is moving where?

For example, with my future husband, we had to put this on the table. Fortunately, he is open to moving here to Toronto, and I love visiting his home country, so I’m committed to being there frequently. It ended up being a win-win situation.

But this is often where long-distance relationships die, because this one factor can’t be overcome. If you are dating with intent, you need to establish a game plan for proximity—especially if other factors like jobs, kids, or family are involved.

Clock It

Hun, of you feel stuck in your local dating scene, here is the takeaway:

• Don’t let your postal/zip code be the lid on your love life. Sometimes your soulmate is waiting in a city you haven’t visited yet.
• Solo travel is the cheat code. It forces you to stand out and be approachable (I’ll do a whole separate post on this later!).
• Check the logistics. Ensure you have the money, the time, and the trust to make it work.